Week 3: God and I

Funny story about this week's practice. So I said I would go anywhere nice in the LA area, right? Well, when I sent my proposal for this project, I specifically said, "Anywhere that's NOT Biola." So on February 2nd, I went to Downtown Fullerton with my roommate and one of our quad-mates. We went to this coffee place, then walked to Hillcrest Park. I did the usual: write on my journal and take photos. Little did I know it was gonna rain on all three of us, and we had to walk back to my car. So I ended up cutting our time short and work with what I had. But, when I imported the photos to Lightroom, all of a sudden I realized all the photos were laughably underexposed. Even if I edited the lighting, I still have to deal with the grain due to the high ISO (I absolutely don't like grainy photos). Three days later, I decided to redo my weekly practice. But, I had two hours left before my PE class, I didn't want to drive somewhere far, and I wanted to get it out of the way. So, I broke my rule and walked to The Olive Grove, which is a nice walkway-like garden in Biola. I just like the way it looked, especially after the rain. Now what does this have to do with the title "God and I?" I don't know, but I thought it was a funny story to share.

Anyways, I walked around the Olive Grove and sat down to write. I suddenly thought about my relationship with God. It amazes me how God can make things out of nothing, or merely out of anything. When God created Adam, He created man out of dirt. I know, firsthand, that God has done great things in my life.

But, there comes a time where doubt and discouragement controls me. One day, I'll say, "I serve God through photography and writing. He has prepared me a future with these skills." The next day, I'll say, "I don't know if God has a good future for me." Yes, I am aware of Jeremiah 29:11. It's just concerns, based on my current life condition. As of now, I currently have no job (that will support me financially) and so many questions and concerns about my life. Like who will I marry? Who will see my photos? Am I really doing this because this is what God wants me to do for the rest of my life? Or I just impulsively decided to do such things? Till this day, I cannot give you an answer.

I think poems help me become honest with myself. Sometimes, we try to hide our emotions, concerns, and fears to Him. It's funny because He already knows. It's about being honest with yourself. With these poems, I decided to write about the idea of honesty in prayer. This also means sharing your doubt. These poems are also based on my restrictions for these weekly practices, including putting my phone on airplane mode and being in solitude.

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“Airplane Mode”

Airplane mode flies me

Out from the social world

And into real life.

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“Spring’s Colors”

Spring’s colors won’t come

Until you go and witness

The beauty of life.

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“And God says..."

Sit down and tell me

Your thoughts and fears; I’ll show you

Your backyard’s beauty.

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“Prayer”

Oh YAHWEH, my God from above:

He who sees me beneath the trees --

Show me your divine, steadfast love.

I ran away to get rid of

My heartache that I failed to seize.

Oh YAHWEH. My God from above,

Can you see me as your true love

Like how you see the tall, green trees?

Show me your divine, steadfast love

If I am worth more than a dove

Soaring from the sky, who’s at ease

At YAHWEH, my God from above.

If push comes to shove

And my weary soul is displeased,

Show me your divine, steadfast love.

God, I am fully aware of

My heart’s state: I am on my knees.

Oh YAHWEH, my God from above:

Show me your divine, steadfast love.